12 Labors of Barkis
by Wilona Riva
Summary: The Land of the Dead gets revenge on Barkis.
1. Chapter 1

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Corpse Bride belongs to Tim Burton. B's are a pun from Piers Anthony's Xanth series. Originally posted under my old pen name, Garnet Sky. Free cyber cookies and lemonade to everyone who gave me the original ideas to make this story more fun for everyone. Your names are in the stars (and author's notes) for all to see!

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**Chapter One: Ms. Plum's Secret Ingredient**

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The crowd at the Bone and Socket Club snapped their finger bones in time to the catchy tune Bonejangles was commencing.

_"Come listen to a tale of a man name Barkis,_

_Bitter he was, and bitter he remains,_

_His dark tales ends with suicide-_

_Revenge we gave for our lovely corpse bride."_

Mayhew snuck a look at Lord Barkis, clad in a ragged server's cap serving the wine of ages to a crew of rowdy skeletons. He started laughing. Ms. Plum sure gave it to him with the Secret Ingredient.

_"Ms. Plum, our chef, a new recipe did try,_

_But no matter how much she stirred, it didn't fly,_

_'Ah-ha' quoth she-_

_Missing is the secret ingredient-a B."_

Barkis moaned in pain as he remembered. A honey bee was one thing; a have of B's was asking for trouble. How well he knew. He hoped to leave this crazed pub soon and enjoy his afterlife after his labors had ended. One down; eleven more to go.

_"Up a cliff climbed our hero,_

_To prove he was no zero,_

_A have of B's he was to find_

_A kaleidoscopic emotional bind._

_"The B's told him to B-have, so he did._

_B-hind kicked his behind-sho' did._

_B-muse made him laugh, _

_B-tide made him cry-_

_The secret ingredient Ms. Plum sent him to see._

_"Ms. Plum no recipe did try,_

_For sweet as pie it was,_

_To see our beloved Corpse Bride_

_Scrape the boils off our dear suicide."_

Barkis put his head down as Ms. Plum called for him to fetch her some more of the secret ingredient. The whole pub erupted into laughter and dispersed into the night.

_**Author's Note: B's are nasty honey-bee like insects that are so named that if they sting you, you have to carry out that name. The secret ingredient was that Ms. Plum knew of one B that stuttered. The stuttering B stung Barkis was called 'B-boil.' So Barkis had to be treated by Emily for boils since no one else would come near him.**_


	2. Chapter 2

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: I do not own The Corpse Bride. Really short chapter, folks. Sorry!

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**Chapter Two: The Maggot's Fashion Show**

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Barkis glared at the slimy green worm. "I am not wearing _that_! he yelled, knowing it was a lost cause.

"You're in my power, now, Bittern," the maggot told him, grinning wickedly. "I can do what I want with you since it's my turn to have you."

Barkis glanced hastily at the bright firecracker red bikini and high heels. "I take this comes with a blond wig and cherry red lipstick?"

The maggot laughed evilly. "The works."

Barkis began to cry. "Momma!"

"Ladies and gentle ghouls, please welcome Lord Barkis who will be modeling the latest in swim wear from France."

Barkis, with all the works, was shoved onto the walkway, feeling very _exposed._ "I'm going to get you for this, maggot!" he yelled, amidst all the catcalls and wolf whistles


	3. Chapter 3

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: I do not own The Corpse Bride or Winnie-the-Pooh.

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to deleney. Thanks for the idea:)

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**Chapter Three: Mrs. Widow**

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"Either you put on the outfit we spiders made for you, or else," Mrs. Widow glared at Barkis.

The other spiders echoed her words and closed in the circle around him. Barkis gulped and gave his reluctant assent.

(2 hours later)

Barkis, clad in a Winnie-the-Pooh costume, flushed red with embarrassment. "At least it's not that firecracker red bikini again, " he muttered as invisible hands shoved him onto the fashion walkway.

The Maggot cackled evilly as Mrs. Widow whispered into his ear. "Here he is, Barkis-the-Pooh!"

Emily walked onto the stage then carry a honey pot and smiled sweetly. "You forgot something, Barkis, dear." She then dumped the whole contents on him to the delight of the audience.

Barkis wiped the honey from his eyes. "Et tu, Emily?" he growled.


	4. Chapter 4

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Author's Note: This is going to be a two part chapter as I've still got writer's block on this story. Part One's credit goes out to **deyinel** for having Barkis sort out Elder Gutknecht's books. Part Two will be out when I can find the cure for writer's block in the medicine cabinet.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Corpse Bride.

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**Chapter Four: Books and Barkis Don't Mix **

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Barkis stared at the volumes of dusty, moldy old tomes that littered the floor, walls, and ceiling of Elder Gutknecht's study. "You have got to be kidding, right?" he groaned questioningly at the skeleton with the long beard. "You want me to organize all these books by lunch time; I can't even read!" he whined.

"It's really simple," Elder Gutknecht said, flinging a book at random, at Barkis. "This is a picture book of symbols I use to organize each book. Each tome has maybe two or three symbols at the most. Match the pictures in the book to the tome and place it on the shelf it's supposed to be on. And whatever you do, do not open the book with the raven on the cover," he said ominously. He bent down and stared Barkis in the face. "Or you will find what's behind the crimson door," pointing to a dark blood-red door which had a mysterious dark puddle underneath its frame.

Barkis shuddered. "No, sir!" he exclaimed, clutching the ratty picture book to his chest. "I'll get right to it!"

"Good, my boy," Elder Gutknecht said closing the door behind him.

"What am I going to do?" Barkis wailed at the empty cavernous room.

Outside on the cliff Elder Gutknecht looked down at the Maggot, Mrs. Widow, and Emily. "Go get him. He's all yours."

The three had the most evil grins on their faces anyone had ever seen. Elder Gutknecht grinned back at them. This was going to be fun.


	5. Chapter 5

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: I do not own The Corpse Bride.

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**Chapter Five: The Maggot and the Spider**

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Author's Note: This chapter part goes out to Nausicaa of the Spirits. Thanks for the story idea.

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"How do you know the Heart goes with the Flame?" a smooth voice said, matter-of-factly. "It could go with the Key or the Star just as well."

Barkis slammed the book shut and closed his eyes. Nothing was going right. The old ghoul was going to kill him. His thoughts turned to the glowing ominous book on the shelf. He reached out to touch it, but jerked back as a fiery heat scorched his blue cold flesh. :: This was not normal:: he mused. :: Then what was normal in this place?::

"Aw, did the poor little book hurt you? Try it again. You know you want to," the voice said derisively.

Barkis gulped. "But the Elder said…"

"Chicken!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"I am not!" Barkis shouted. "And here's the book to prove it." He snatched the book off the shelf and instantly blacked out.

Barkis did not see the five floating orbs slowly materializing out of the shadows. The Elder had some secrets he did not share with even his friends. The Guardians were one of them.

Golden stickiness woke Barkis up. The five orbs hovered over him and faded out. "You chose the spider's sugar, Barkis Bittern. Now spin the web you have woven."

Barkis screamed as Mrs. Widow slapped the final silk ribbon on the cocoon encasing Barkis and together with the other spiders, she hoisted him from the rafters.

"Lunch time, girls!" she called.

Silent screams were never heard or if they were, never answered.

"You're lucky we came in time, boy," Elder Gutknecht said, removing the last of the wrappings. "You've made a mess of my study, so you get to clean it." He pointed toward the Crimson Door.

"It hasn't been clean in over a hundred years," Emily said, sweet as sugar.

"Ugh!" Barkis shuddered at the thought. He walked toward the ichor oozing from the door and removed a small sponge and a grimy pail.

"Get to work, boy! I want to see my skull shine when you are through."

(5 hours later)

Emily walked in the door and watched Barkis dip the tiny sponge into the murky water and smiled to herself. "Oh, Barky, you missed a spot!" she sang out, before leaving.

"Oh, bite me!" Barkis muttered darkly.

The Maggot, slithering in after Emily, grinned widely. "Happy to comply!" he chirped. And did so.

Barkis' cries were heard all the way to the Ball-N-Socket Pub.


	6. Chapter 6

Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton owns the rights to Corpse Bride. HIT Entertainment owns the distribution rights to Barney and his theme song "I Love You, You Love Me."

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**Chapter Six: Purple Dinosaurs Are _S_o Not Fashionable**

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Emily sized up the costume Barkis was trying on. Nodding to Mrs. Widow, she smiled sweetly at Barkis in the mirror. " I agree, Mrs. Widow. It's very fashionable right now."

Barkis twirled around in the multi-mirror and nearly tripped over the tail. "You think so, Emily? Don't you think it's too much purple?"

"Oh no!" Emily said, eyeing her blue fingernail polish, which she noticed was beginning to chip. "Now go out there and wow the kiddies." She shoved him out onto the runway.

Mrs. Widow cued the Maggot, who jabbed a hidden button. A familiar song began to play.

**(Out on the runway)**

Barkis flushed red with anger. Not only was the costume hot, but now this again! "I should have known," he muttered under his breath.

_I hate you_

_You hate me_

_My name is evil Barkie_

_Throw rotten fruit and laugh at me_

_Don't I look goofy._

The audience went wild as a food fight commenced. Aimed at our model, of course.

By the time Barkis managed to escape backstage, he was covered from head-to-toe with rotten tomatoes and something unidentifiable (a lot of somethings, that is).

Finding Emily, Mrs. Widow, and the Maggot in stitches, he was infuriated. "I _loathe_ you," he said menacingly before stalking off.

"But, Barkie, we _love_ you!" Emily sang out in reply.

_That _cracked everyone up.


	7. Chapter 7

Share

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton owns the rights; but I can dream.

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Author's Note: Giving Barkis a break. He gets to babysit a couple of monsters in the next chapter.

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**Chapter Seven: You've had enough to drink!**

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"You've had enough to drink," Barkis told the drunken skeleton.

"But I'm thirsty!" he whined.

"You've enough to drink," Barkis reiterated, sliding a glass down the bar to a customer.

One hour later

"If." Whoosh.

"I." Whoosh.

"Juggle." Whoosh.

"My." Whoosh.

"Head." Whoosh.

"Will I." Whoosh.

"Get a drink?" Glunk. The skeleton placed his head on the counter and leaned toward Barkis. "Pretty please with a sugar and cherry on top?"

"You've had too much to drink," Barkis replied, nonchalantly, wiping a grimy glass.

"Awww nuts!" the skeleton grumped.

"And get your empty skull off my counter," Barkis added, giving the skeleton the Evil Eye.

10 minutes later

"Hit it, Chauncey!" the drunken skeleton yelled, to the pianist. The tune to _Itsy Bitsy Spider_ begins to play.

_A drunken skeleton walked into the bar_

_The kindly barkeep slid him down a drink_

_Down the hatchet , the skeleton gulped it down_

_A thirsty skeleton has come into the town._

"No dice," Barkis answered him.

5 seconds later

The skeleton slumped into a barstool. Every thing he could think of resulted in no drink. He'd rather be alive at this rate.

"Here, for a rotten performance," Barkis said, passing him a glass of really expired sour orange juice.

"Bottoms up, pal," the skeleton said, taking a swig.

Barkis leaned over the counter. "Out of curiosity, how can you be drunk? Where do you put it?"

(Hic) "I don't know. It just goes right through me. (Hic) The now **very **drunk skeleton hiccuped again and flew to pieces. Literally.


	8. Chapter 8

12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton owns Corpse Bride. My imagination is no weirder than his.

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Author's Note: My friend Amaki Owlaf is writing the next two chapters. For Draka Drakula. Let the games begin.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Babysitting can be a Nightmare**

* * *

Barkis slipped on the floor as he chased after the miniature skeleton, who's blue and white hat blew off from running away so fast. His child-like giggles humiliated him almost as much as what Barkis slipped and fell on, but not quite. The fresh yellow stains showed up on Barkis' clothes, particulary his trousers, and he snarled.

"Come back here you michevious little brat!"

More giggling was the only answer he got as the kid ran around a corner and out of sight. Barkis got up and gave chase, slipping on the stone pavement as he went.

Why, oh why did they give him babysitting duty? And how the heck can they have such leaky diapers!

He emerged into the main street at last where most of the skeletons were and everything froze. All eyes, and empty sockets, looked down at Barkis' pants. From the look of it, it seemed as though he had gone in his pants. All the skeletons laughed, some of them laughing their heads off, literaly.

Barkis scowled, wondering what it was, and finally realized what they were laughing about.

"Aw crap!" he exclaimed!

"Sure is!" the little skeleton in blue and white said, pointing to the seat of his own pants. Elder Gutknecht scooped up the baby skeleton in his hands. While carefully holding him away from his bony body, the elder carried the boy and thrust him into Barkis' hands.

"Carry out your task, you simpleton," the elder said.

With that shove however, the harrased ex-lord fell over, the baby skeleton landing on his chest, pee and poo now all over him.

"I hate kids," grumbled Barkis.


	9. Chapter 9

12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton who? Yeah. Yeah. We know.

Author's Note: This is Amaki's idea, so she's doing the writing. As we can remember only Mrs. Plum's name, all other cooks shall not remain nameless. Our decision. Enjoy.

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**Chapter Nine: The Cooks' Free Time**

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Mr. Plum said, "Can you get my hatchet?"

Mrs. Plum obliged, yanking it out of her husband's back. His eye swung about as he turned to her to take it, and then he faced back towards the wall. They were standing a good twenty feet away from the wall, which was ordinarily covered with shelves of pots and pans, but now it had all been cleared away.

In it's place was Barkis, shackled to the wall. Red and white paintbuckets were on the floor nearby, empty with still dirty paintbrushes lying next to them. The wall itself used to be blank, but now was painted to resemble a very large target resembling a dart board.

And Barkis was shackled right in the center of it, his arms and legs stretched out so he couldn't wiggle. While he was given a break to stretch his arms and legs from his babysitting duty, he had no idea he would be stretching out like this. Even worse he had on a blindfold at first. Bonejangles whipped off that blindfold now and, cackling to himself, he backed away, gesturing to the three cooks. Barkis eventually noticed what was painted behind him... what was in front of him... and then...

"Uh-oh."

Mr. Plum raised the hatchet over his head... "Right..." he said slowly, carefully taking aim, "Betweeeeen..." He pulled his arm way back, "The eyes!" _SWING!_

_Swish!_

**TWANG!**

Barkis let out a tiny whimper as the blade trembled in the wall right next to his left ear. It continued to wiggle just a bit, and he almost wished that Bonejangles would at least put a finger on it to stop it from swinging side to side in place. Instead, Bonejangles was keeping score along with Scraps. Scraps barked, and Bonejangles said, "Twenty points? Okay!" and he marked the board while Scraps nodded in agreement, and then barked as if to say, "Next!"

The second cook came up. Clara held up a extremely sharp bread knife, it's jagged edge gleaming in the light of the kitchen. "I'll beat that score," she said, and she threw the knife.

A whistle in the air and another **TWANG! **later and the bread knife was gently trembling right next to Barkis' right ear. His lip trembled and he whimpered some more.

Scraps barked again, and Bonejangles marked off the points on the board. "Thirty points! Okay!" and at another bark from Scraps, Mrs. Plum yanked a knife out of her husbands back, but after a second thought, she jabbed it back into him and pulled out a grilling fork.

"Your aim is terrible!" she said peevishly.

"Well, I was going for his heart or stomach area, but I only have one eye, and it's staring at the floor right now," Mr. Plum said, pointing to the eye that dangled from it's socket, his other eye socket glared at her, even if it was empty.

"And don't you go blaming me," Clara said. "_I_ was aiming for his right eye. I was closer than he was!"

"Try beating this then," Mrs. Plum said. _SWING!_

_Swish!_

"Ow!" came Barkis' yell of pain at long last.

The other two chefs whistled through their teeth.

"Whoa!" Bonejangles said, clearly impressed. He glanced at the chalkboard and then at Scraps, who seemed to shrug. Bonejangles said, "I think we have our winner!" He gave Mrs. Plum two million points... one million for each target struck.

Mrs. Plum wiped her hands and smirked, and said, "And _that's _how it's done."


	10. Chapter 10

12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton is the master of dark fantasy. Corpse Bride is his masterpiece.

**Author's Note: Dedicated to Imagi for the idea. And to all baby-sitters everywhere.**

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**Chapter Ten: Waffles**

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Ding! Dong!

Barkis dropped the newspaper he was reading and whimpered. What worse could these ghouls do to him?

The sepulchral bell rang again throughout the house.

Barkis swallowed and got up to open the door-to see a young skeleton girl with red hair done up in white ribbons and wearing a cutesy blue dress with raggedy Mary Sues smiling up at him.

"Hi, I'm Lolly. You get to be my babysitter today."

Barkis blinked in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"You heard my little sister correctly, Bittern," a man's deep voice cut in. The speaker was none other than Hart Crusher, his neighbor, two graves down. He cracked his knuckles for emphasis.

"Y-y-yes, s-s-sir!" Barkis stuttered, as little Lolly hugged her brother and skipped inside the house.

"Bye, big brother!" she called out, as Barkis closed the door.

An unholy light lit up in her eyeless sockets as Barkis turned to face her.

"I want pancakes!" she howled.

_What have I gotten into?_ Barkis' inner thoughts screamed at him.

( 2 hours later)

Barkis felt like screaming his head off. This child was a brat! If you could call her a child even...

"I want waffles!" Lolly screamed, at the top of her lungs.

Barkis surveyed the wreckage of his kitchen. Wiping a tear from his eye, he turned to face Lolly. "The pancakes were not to your liking?"

Of course they were not. Every batch he made, no matter what kind, she had thrown right back at him. "I hate pancakes," she said, sourly, while twirling what remnants of her hair were left.

"Then we'll have to go shipping for the ingredients for waffles," Barkis sighed, "Put your coat on; you'll catch your death of cold."

Lolly grinned evilly. "I'm dead already. I died from the most gushiest, foul-smelling, puss-filled disease you could name. Betcha can't guess what it was."

Barkis raised one eye-brow. " Chicken pox?"

Lolly ducked her head and blushed. "Yeah, and you?"

"Suicide," came the abrupt remark.

Lolly's eyes widened. "So, _that's_ why my brother told me to give you heck. You don't seem so bad." I'll see how he reacts in the marketplace."

Taking a deep breath, she bellowed, "I WANT WAFFLES!"

Barkis covered his ears. This kid's brother had better come back soon!

(fast forward to them shopping at the market)

"Hi, Miss Emily," the "angel" chirped, upon see Barkis' first ex-wife.

"Hello, Lolly," the Corpse Bride replied, "What ever are you doing at the market?"

"Waffles," came the grunt from the pile of packages, piled up beside the child.

"Barkis? Are you baby-sitting again?" Emily said, her eyes laughing.

"Yes, and buying everything in sight, except the ingredients for waffles," he muttered in response.

"Well, then, I won't keep you," she laughed. "Tootles, Barkie."

Lolly waited until Emily was out of earshot and whirled on Barkis. "I WANT WAFFLES !"

Barkis moaned. "Then quit wasting my money on toys!" he yelled back.

Something glittery caught her eye. "I WANT THAT!" she shouted.

"Tomornin!" he answered, exasperated. "We are going home."

Lolly collapsed on the street, bawling her eyes out.

Mrs. Widow, just passing by, spied the commotion out of the corner of her eyes. Scurrying over, she surmised the situation. "Lolly, dear child, what is the matter?"

The child sniffled. "I just wanted waffles and Mr. Bittern said we'd have to go shopping for the ingredients. And now, because he bought so much junk, we have no more money for them! WAAH!"

Mrs. Widow chittered angrily. "Why, that monster! He has no right promising a child a treat and then breaking it. Girls, get him!" she called to her sister spiders.

Barkis screamed, dropped all the packages, grabbed Lolly, and ran. But not necessarily in that order.

(several hours later)

_Ding! Dong!_

Barkis was never so glad to hear that doorbell. "Lolly, I'm all tied up right now, would you answer the door, please?"

"Sure, Mr. Bittern," Lolly answered, swallowing a piece of waffle.

**Author's Note: For the next chapter, the Maggot is back! And so are the most annoying songs man has ever invented.**


	11. Chapter 11

Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Two words: Tim Burton. "_The Song That Doesn't End _" was written by Norman Martin. _"The Oompa Loompa Song" _(just the first verse) comes from the original (Gene Wilder version) of the movie _Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory._

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: La musique est ennuyeuse. **

* * *

_"This is the song that never ends,_

_It just goes on and on my friends_

_Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was,_

_And they'll continue singing it forever just because—This is the song that never ends,_

_It just goes on and on my friends_

_Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was,_

_And they'll continue singing it forever just because—"_

Barkis ran screaming out of the Bone and Socket Pub, clutching the sides of his head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Paul paused for a moment. "Itz has begun!" he exclaimed.

The pub went wild. The Maggot was having a field day.

(the next morning)

Emily put a cold compress on Barkis' head. "There, there, Barkie, you're alright now. I told you that the song would stop with some TLC."

Barkis just pulled the covers up to his head and whimpered. The voice hadn't gone away, he wanted to tell her; it just switched soundtracks.

(later that morning )

Barkis scooped up a bit of chocolate pudding and was about to bite into it and moaned in pain. "Here, we go again," he muttered.

_"Oompa loompa doompety doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you.. Oompa loompa doompety dee . If you are wise you'll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at, getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that. I don't like the look of it. Oompa loompa doompety da If you're not greedy, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do Doompety do."_

Barkis banged his head repeatedly on the table and started to cry.

It was going to be a really long day, and the Maggot was just getting warmed up.

(sometime about mid-afternoon)

Barkis ran, crying and clutching his head, into Elder Gutchknecht's study. He prostrated himself before the elder skeleton and pleaded for mercy. "Elder, please help me! I can't get it to stop!"

The skeleton frowned. "Stop what, my son?" he queried, knowing full well, since it was his idea after all that the Maggot had latched on to this latest escapade.

"The voice. It's driving me insane," Barkis wailed.

"Good, then you won't mind the cure," Elder Gutchknecht said, casually, pulling a book from who-knows-where in his rat's nest of a library. "This is what you must do..."

(late at night on stage at the Bone and Socket Pub)

Bonejangles couldn't help laughing at Barkis performed the Chicken Dance perfectly. "Sweet!" he told the Maggot, who just laughed maniacally.

"Two more!" the Maggot sniggered, watching Barkis take "his medicine."

**Author's Note: Yup, you heard right. Two more chapters and the epilogue to go. Really had fun doing this chapter. Title translates: "Music can be annoying".**


	12. Chapter 12

12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: All hail Tim Burton, rightful owner of this wonderful piece of macabre.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Customer Service Is a Nightmare **

* * *

Barkis still had no idea how he had gotten trapped into running an information booth by Napoleon Bonaparte and the German Kaiser. "Right back, my foot," he muttered.

A little snip of a child with half of her right arm's flesh rotted away, approached him cautiously.

"Mister, can I ask you something?"

Barkis leaned over the counter, perhaps a little too far, and regarded the girl seriously.

"Shoot," he said.

She looked him dead in the eyes. "Am I dead?"

Barkis pitched face forward on the ground.

"I should have known," he muttered. "Someone kill me now."

The girl just smiled and skipped away. The question had well been worth the butterscotch lollipop Mr. Napoleon had given her earlier.

A woman wearing a big floppy hat with large droopy ostrich feather (quite moldy Barkis noted) approached with a serious expression on her face. She looked like one of those mummies after they been unwrapped from their bindings, just dressed in the modest (moldering) women's fashion of the day.

"Excuse me, young man," she said, "I would like some availability in space."

"I did hear they were renting condominiums in the pyramids," Barkis replied, with a straight face.

Barkis' comment sailed right over the woman's head by at least five feet. She nodded her head, thanked him, and left.

Barkis snorted with laughter.

_You have got to be kidding me!_ Barkis thought, when he saw the next customer approaching.

A skeleton, dressed in full scuba gear (oxygen tank included), waddled up to the booth. Holding up a sign, Barkis read: WHERE IS THE OCEAN?

Barkis pointed to the dunk booth 3 feet behind him.

The skeleton discarded the sign and waddled off.

Two vampiric looking gangsters sidled up to the booth about an hour after the skeleton left.

"Where's Jimmy Hoffa's body?" one of them demanded.

"Six feet under," Barkis shot back.

"That's a relief," the other gangster whispered to his companion. "He owed me fifty cents."

The split-in-half man was nervous. He was also disgusting Barkis immensely. Considering the fact...

"How can I help you, sir?" Barkis asked, politely.

"I'm looking for my significant other. Have you seen me?" the other asked, with a slight upper-crust British accent.

"I believe I saw him talking to Mrs. Plum. He looked like he was splitting hares."

Barkis scowled as his "employers" returned from their "break."

"Good evening," he said.

"They weren't too hard on you, were they?" Napoleon asked.

Barkis hopped the front bar and stalked off. "Have a nice afternoon, a nice day, a nice evening, a nice summer, and a nice life," he retorted, without turning around.

"Covering all the bases, isn't he?" the German Kaiser asked Napoleon, who just shrugged.


	13. Chapter 13

The Twelve Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: I do not own anything, but this story plot.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: Reading a Book**

* * *

Barkis sat on a wobbly three-legged stool on the stage in the Bone-and-Socket Pub. He was holding a thin children's storybook in his lap.

_"And the cat phoned the mouse to borrow a cup of milk," _he read to the crowd.

"Was the cat, a girl or a boy?" Mayhew asked, sitting at the bar.

Barkis looked up and rolled his eyes. "Does it really matter?" he asked, dryly.

"Well, I am very particular about the stories I read," Mayhew said.

(5 minutes later)

_"The tom cat strolled along the top of the fence, careful not to drop the cake platter. The dog didn't take kindly to crumbled cake," _his voice trailed off, as Mayhew stared at him in astonishment.

"What now?" Barkis asked him.

"Why was he walking along the top of the fence in the first place? He'd drop the cake platter anyway if he did that?" Mayhew observed.

Barkis sighed. "It's just a story, Mayhew. Even you have to accept the author's license."

Mayhew nodded. "True, but just one more question?"

Barkis groaned. "What gender is the dog?"

Barkis threw the book at him.

(several hours later)

"And after you've finished scrubbing the cake and beer off the walls, I want you to meet the Maggot backstage," Mrs. Plum told him.

Barkis nodded. You don't mess around with a woman like her. Experience taught him that.

Author's Note: I know, not as funny as the others, but there's still an epilogue to go. Shall we revisit the Fashion runway again?


	14. Chapter 14

12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: I don't own Corpse Bride.

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**Epilogue: If you've read this far, you need therapy!**

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Author's Note: I need therapy for writing this! Although the watermelon was a friend's idea.

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Barkis looked uncertainly down at the little green maggot. "Okay, worm, out with it! What are you planning to do to humiliate me with now."

The Maggot just shook his head. "You survived all twelve labors, Barkis, and like Hercules, you've now been acquitted and are free to join our society. There is one thing left you need to do; go back onstage and apologize to Emily."

Barkis' eyes widened. "No tricks?"

The Maggot gazed back at his solemnly. "Cross my heart and hope to be resurrected."

"Alright," Barkis agreed, walking back to the closed curtain.

As soon as he walked back onstage, he was hit by a volley of squishy overripe tomatoes. He spluttered as he tried to get tomato skins out of his mouth.

"What was that for!" he roared in anger.

Only to be met with an even larger volley of acidic produce.

"Will you quit it!" he yelled, wiping tomato juice out of his eyes.

A third wave hit him dead on.

Barkis was creamed. He fell to the stage as more and more rotten tomatoes soaked him through to the bone.

That's when he saw her. Blurry, as his vision was, Barkis would know her anywhere.

Next to her stood the Maggot.

He glared at the Maggot. "You set this up!"

The Maggot shook his head. "I had nothing to do with the tomato bath. She did," he said, nodding his head at Emily.

THAT got his attention. "I didn't know you had it in you, Emily," he said, meekly. "I'm sorry."

She cocked her head. "I didn't hear what you said."

A fourth volley of tomatoes blasted him in the rear. "I SAID I WAS SORRY!" he yelled, glaring at the growing audience.

"I forgive you, Barkie," she said, sweetly, smashing an really rancid, overripe watermelon in his face.

"Juicy ending," the Maggot said, gleefully.

**Author's Note: Thank everyone who loved this story! I had fun writing this, but all good things must come to an end.**


End file.
